Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
When a shoelace touches your ankle
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible