The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge