Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
You Might Also Like
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Meow
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.