Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit