Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@mydanimarie : Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
@mydanimarie: Guns don't kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
@mydanimarie: I think we figured out which one was Destiny's child.
@mydanimarie: Sometimes I order Domino's but give them Pizza Hut's address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
@mydanimarie: MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ'S AND MY SNACK.
@mydanimarie: 127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
@mydanimarie: DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point
@mydanimarie: 911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't--
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
@mydanimarie: FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you'll find your soulmate
@mydanimarie: It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I'm free to babysit tonight.