Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you’ll find your soulmate
It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.