@mydanimarie

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

@mydanimarie

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

@mydanimarie

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

@mydanimarie

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

@mydanimarie

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

@mydanimarie

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

@mydanimarie

FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you’ll find your soulmate

@mydanimarie

It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.