Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
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(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther