I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?