Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.