Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there