If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
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*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Finally!
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.