Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
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Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
and now we wait
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy