Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard
I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.
Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.
I said “Hell no. I don’t want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home.”
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”
I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey.
I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad
I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.
The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.
All the people that tried partying ’til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.
People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?