Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Bike for sale
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*