December birthdays be like…
You Might Also Like
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker