@mynameisntdave: ME: I love u
ME: and I wanna be with u always
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u--
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
@mynameisntdave: I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn't even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
@mynameisntdave: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the "shapeshifter" look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: ...I dont remember
@mynameisntdave: Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
@mynameisntdave: LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
@mynameisntdave: GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist's piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
@mynameisntdave: Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
@mynameisntdave: ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he's back and he brought a horse with him this time