[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
got so much cardio in today
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.