My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
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Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god