I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.