Damn he played himself
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets