@mzeld

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

@mzeld

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

@mzeld

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

@mzeld

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

@mzeld

The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.

@mzeld

What’s your body type? Mine is “giant gummy bear.”

@mzeld

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.