@nachdermas

99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

@nachdermas

elon musk having a love affair with space because he read hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is like if i were a billionaire and decided to use all of my power and resources to create turtles who ate pizza & knew karate

@nachdermas

i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it

@nachdermas

my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter

@nachdermas

i’ve had a few glasses of wine & this is the funniest thing i’ve seen in my entire life

@nachdermas

REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods