So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.