apparently this year was written by stephen king
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes