Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.