My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
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magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine