{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.