Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.