My Sentiments Exactly
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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.