My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.