The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*