Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”