A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.