imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”