The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
You Might Also Like
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.