BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke