What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
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I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.