I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”