I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
…..pretty much.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?