@nevernicethings

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

@nevernicethings

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

@nevernicethings

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

@nevernicethings

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.