@newLettuce

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

@newLettuce

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

@newLettuce

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

@newLettuce

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

@newLettuce

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@newLettuce

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

@newLettuce

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

@newLettuce

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

@newLettuce

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T