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Page of newLettuce's best tweets

@newLettuce : [Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I'm a glutton for punishment

Demon: ... *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

@newLettuce: Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@newLettuce: Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones


@newLettuce: Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That's a lime

@newLettuce: Doctor: Let's take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

@newLettuce: ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can't make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN'T OR WON'T

@newLettuce: Me: You think you're soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

@newLettuce: [Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

@newLettuce: Wife: I'm going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can't remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

@newLettuce: Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now