@newLettuce
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
@newLettuce
@newLettuce
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
@newLettuce
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
@newLettuce
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
@newLettuce
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
@newLettuce
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
@newLettuce
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
@newLettuce
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
@newLettuce
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
@newLettuce
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T