Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT