[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..