Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.