I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.