@nicfit75

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

@nicfit75

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

@nicfit75

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

@nicfit75

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

@nicfit75

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

@nicfit75

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.