A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Harsh but fair
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
😂😂
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
#Caturday