I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
no!! no!!!!!!
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
they split up moments later
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”