thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies