Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.