Dog: [Barks at the mailman]
Human: Bad dog.
Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off.
*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.
Get off my lawn. Oh, it’s you. Mow the lawn.
CW: I like your scarf.
Me: Thanks, it’s a CVS receipt. I didn’t know what else to do with it.