At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.