I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG