Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.