Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
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haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My last name is Zilla.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.